shyguyforever

So yeah kind of board well not really... I have a lot on my mind. My older sister just went back home yesterday afternoon and it was kind of sad :( I miss my sister. I do not get to see her very often so when I do I try to spend as much time as I can with here. Even though she likes to talk about school a lot that’s cool I can deal with that. But she also motivates me about school and goes back and get more interested in school. So she helps me out a lot on what I should with everything.
I have been working a lot and I have to do a 12 hour shift today so I am not to thrill about that. But hey it money I guess. What else have I been thinking about? I might be getting a new car so that’s cool and then I will actually have gas money to go some were because the car that I might get will cut back on the gas issue. Hmmm what else I have been missing a lot of my friend. I have been trying to find a girlfriend but no luck really. I find it kind of hard to deal with girls right about now if I am going back to school a lot of my time with that. So what’s that point?? Well I guess being alone sucks that’s that point lol. I don't know maybe someday I will find someone... In time... Not much else is going on really just been working a lot and trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I just wanted to update and let people know what’s going on seeing how I haven’t really talk to anyone in a while so that about it.

So yeah it has been a while... Just wanted to say whats up LOL


So quick update I guess....

Um working a lot...


Almost died......


working...


working...


Party....

Shaved my head...

and thats about it I will try and get on more often...

So just got home from teh doctors and what not, not so awake I am really tired they have been doing test on me all day it sucks because they don't give you any breaks. I did a lot of running, sucked. Oh well things are not going to well but did not really get the greatest news ever but hay life goes on and there is nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. Things can go either way right now in my life its kind of on the boarder line in a way. I find myself at the same place I was three months ago. Not knowing what to do or what to say?? I havent been feeling myself at all. I find myself thinking about the past and weather I will ever be there again? I miss it so much.

So I tryied to play a viedo game the other day and I couldn't do it I go so board. i played liek 5mins and then I was like ok have to do something. I wish I could play video games like used to all the time. I remember the times Nathan and I would play all the time all night all day it was crazy. We always chilled at each other house. I remeber the Trailer it was so much fun. I remmber we walked from the school to my house it was a long walk but we did, I forget why oh yeah our bus driver would not let him on so we just said fuck it we will walk. Yeah good times. I rember also we had that church thing on tuesday and we would just go to play pool for a few hours and then just walk to Nathans house. I sure he rembers it too....

Well I will try and update a lot more if i can sorry for such the gap its just been hard. If I had more days like today I would but I am going to go lay down i am so beat talk to you later Pece out..


Nathan

Uhhh people piss me off, I try to help them out the best I can and I always have. Then they just chove you away and they snap at you!! Uh thats it I am done fine I will just push people away. I guess it was only time I guess I mean knowing a guy for your whole life and helping him and him helping you and then BAM just Snaps at you for trying to help no more. I guess I just have to push away to. I just can't belieave it huh........

Havent updated in a quite a while so I though I would, not much going on but the same old stuff going to the doctors, resting the best I can and trying to work and help out. I am finding it harder and harder as each day goes by. I am coming to relize I have to face the facts and the reality of what is going on, maybe my mind choses not to see them, maybe I just don't want to I guess? I wish I knew. Things are not really looking up, I mean I try and look at the good but all the bad out weighs it so how is does that help.

People have been asking me how can I be so nice? But at the same time shut people out? And I just kind of look at them and I tell them some day you will under stand why if you know me long enough LOL My good friends know why I do that, why I do a lot of things I guess. Its hard to explain to everyone what is going on its just to hard I am not sure how or were to start lol.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Someone who wants to enter into an agreement will have a few details in mind that you should investigate. This is not a day to be glib about giving your word. Look to be certain about your coming responsibilities.


Update I do not have me phone anymore so if anyone is trying to call it I am not going to pick it up LOL Long story about that, but I have to get going I have to work at 9 and I think I am going to try and get more sleep, only got like an hour and a half so i will try and update later if I can.

Yup Go figure this would happen to me...

Happy Thanksgiving eveyone have a great day everyone :) Happy B-day to ali and Richard.

Nice guys finish Last....?

Or do they jsut don't finish at all..?

I don't know that just poped into my head oh well I guess but I have to go work it sucks but the only way to make money am I right or what. But it kind of sucks that you have to work and it hard to lol oh well I guess fuck it push throught it.

Always look on the bright side of life I guess I am alive right

“Regardless of who the powers that be are, the people you elect., the people that I elect into office, remember  you have the fucken power we are the fucken leaders don’t let these basterdes  dictate you life or try to tell you what to do ALRIGHT !!!!!”

 

 

You ever have this feeling that someone wants to tell you something(my doctor) but you don't because it does not matter because you think it might hurt the person in a way I guess I don't know why but I get that feelingaround my doc all the time its reallt weird. Then you have done somethign all the time but they is no replay for it in a way and then you just like hmm should I tatke the hint or what LOL. I don't know I am in a really painfull mood right now try to keep my mind off of it and that is what first poped into my head so I don't know but I am going to go get ready take a shower and go to the docs maybe go see someone speacial if I can..

Hey everone sorry I havent been on in a long time it seems, just things are not going as I though to be planed any way I am sorry for letting people down I so sorry, I am so lost right now I don't know what to do well I know what I want to do but I can't to seem to find a ride there. I am so sorry, today seems to being going good I feel no pain because I took a shot on my Butt LOL yeah so I can't feel in pain in my chest weird yeah I know. I guess I am a live so thats good thing but not when you don't get to see the people you care most about it sucks. I sorry everyone but I have to go....


Green Day

I give up I just can't do it anymore....

WOW I finally get it I see..... what I am now I sorry but I have to go now don't really feel like typeing just wanted to update. I know it not the best but oh well I guess

I know what I am now to people I finally see..... When people need me I am there but as soon as they are done what what happen fuck Nathan who cares about that kid. The last three days have sucked nothing but pain and trying to sleep but can't so fuck it maybe i will get luck and just pass out or something but thats never good at all this is the first time I was able to get on line in a bit. I was suposed to work today but not sure if I can make it in or not today. I can't stand talking to my doctor any more or even have the thoughts of going to go see him on friday because I know what he wants and I just don't know if I want to go any more, I know if I don't go I will deal with the consaquenses but I guess who cares right only a select few right yeah thats what I thought. I give up I don't know what to do??


Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so i can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
i just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
i can't help but start
singing lines from all our favorite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and i'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here

you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...
lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye

So have to go to the doctors later today so I though maybe I would update before I am not going to be able to :( so yeah the few days have been great, and today so far has been great to. I just got home not to long ago it was kind of hard driving but it was ok just my eyes were hurting a lot I might have to get glasses maybe it will help? I don't know if it will but I guess we will see. But I think I am going to go take a shower I look so gross it seems that when I look in the mirror my face look slimer, I think I might shave I don't know try to conserve on energy right now because I will need it in a few hours but I guess I will try and update later if I can but if not I am sorry that I can't Peace out talk to you all later.

Crappy Day, don't really want to talk about it so just letting you know it was a crappy day.

So yeah... hmm what to write I really don't know what to write to be honest with you all. My life had not been all that great, I have been in a lot of pain which most people know but most people don't know the whole story on whats going on but a select few and you know who you are. But I figured out more people are worry about what going now I mides as well tell them right? But on the other hand I tell them they freak out even more so what is the point right? I guess there is no point to be made really... My life sucks right now what can I say nothing really, I have come to the point were it feels as if I have lost everything I don't know its really hard to explain. The only thing that is really keeping me going is hope that soe da it will be but even that is starting to fade I am trying my hardest not to, because I am not one of those people that give up. I tell people not to give up and yet I am trying not to What kind of person am I? I guess I am a hipocrite, but I haent given up yet. You know whats weird I thinks these pills are making me depressed or something, You know what eles is funny once everything goes bad and it does not get any better, you come to the point were you expect the worse of things and they always happen, you barley see any good. I don't know what I am talking about I am going to go lay down I am not feeling go I have to go take my meds any way so i am sure they will pass me out and I might be late for work i will have to set my alarm or something, but I guess I am off talk to you all later will update as soon as I have energy.

Yup another day comes to pass, same shit though pain and dealing with it... Well today was supposed to be different and but it wasn’t, I was supposed to go to the hospital today but I decided not too. I just did not want to go I am sick of going and wasting my time there when I could be doing something else even though I prob wouldn't because I don't have really much energy so... So yeah I was supposed to hang out with my buddy Nathan he is 18 today, happy birthday man. But it did not go threw I guess I am just not that important to him so I don't know whatever. Here is a little hit when you make plans with someone stick with it don't ditch them. So yeah had plans to hang out with Nathan of course Nathan would have had to pick me up because I can't drive right now but still. So I call him and he said that he has family over and what not so I understand that, but he said later we can and that he will call me back so I am like ok fine its cool... So I wait and wait as the time goes by, he never called me back you know what whatever I am done not my loss I guess. RUDE!!! At least he could have called me and told me that he could not make it or something but nope huh...

Any way after waiting what seemed to be forever, I just got up and walk out of the house and went for a long walk, I don’t know why but I just wanted to, I was sick of sitting at the house and I figured that hey I should just get out and get some air. So I am walking and before I know it I am all the way in Holly but the weird thing is I am over by the trailer park place "Quick Road" Now most people know I would never go down this road unless it is dyer need to go down it like it’s the only way threw... As I was walking I was no I am going to go so I kept walking and walking finally coming to the place where my life change forever... I feel to my knees staring at the one thing I haven’t seen in what seems years but it hasn’t been that long since I have been down here, the last time I was there was with Kaytlin and that was quite a bit ago. After sitting there next to it tears started to run down my cheeks, so much went threw my head, I could see everything happening in front of my eyes. I couldn't move not one muscle, no matter how hard I tried nothing, started to shake really bad. I called my dad to come pick me up and take me home, my legs/knees were so weak. I had a hard time getting into the house. I guess I am going to go lay down try and get some sleep tonight if I can....

So I found out that I just bring peopel down i guess so i guess I am just going to go seeing how I do that to people :(

I just can't take it any more, I just can't, I would rather go have fun and feel pain then being druged up doing nothing because I can't. I can't do it any more uhh I just don't know FUCK IT.

I can't take it any more.....

I can't believe it I just can't, I am done I can't do it any more I am losing hope....